It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
