Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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