This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
