shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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