I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
