i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
