I need to stop coming to work sober
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
