The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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