No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
