I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Randomize
