I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
