I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize