Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
