I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
