I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it's like heaven, but drunker
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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