I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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