Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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