I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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