Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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