Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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