I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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