He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
