watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I'm really busy with my period
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