How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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