My first STD was from a foam party
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
