you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
