Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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