If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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