Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
