i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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