I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
