You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
