Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
