I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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