Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
