the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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