What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
