the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
love makes seman taste better
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
