dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
