We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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