the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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