Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
