I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
