I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
