his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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