I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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