you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
