My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
