oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize