I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
