Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
