Umm I'm too high to move.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
