we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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