Soap is not a condiment
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
