I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
