The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
