Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
