oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
