My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
