Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
